Caustic casteism – Part I

A posh locality of Bangalore. A 1 bed room and kitchen house on the ground floor, surrounded by a few more houses of the same cadre.

Mr.Deshpande: “Oh hello Mr.Shastry!! What are you doing here?”

Mr.Shastry ( Pointing at his pregnant wife ): Hello Mr. Deshpande. I am here about the house that you are letting out. You see we are expecting a new resident ( and who is to blame for that!! eh? ), so we need a bigger house to stay in. ( This rat hole is a bigger house!! Did you live in a coffin before this? )

Mr.Deshpande: Well of course. God has graced you again. ( Oh yeah now i know who is to be blamed ) Look at the glow on your wife’s face. This time it will be a boy for sure.

Mr.Shastry (Thinking – Thats what you said the last three times and this broad popped out cunt after cunt) (With a big grin) Yes, we are hoping so too!! How can we attain salvation without a son to perform our last rites.

Mr.Deshpande: Dont you worry about the house sir. I am a Brahmin too. ( What he means is that he will scrape money even from a shit trodden shoe ) Consider yourself the owner of this house hence forth. The rent is 5000 rupees.

Mr.Shastry: 5000 rupees?We both are brahmins sir.( Dont try to mooch off me asshole . I am not buying your wife.) And 5000 is a little too much. Plus I will have one more mouth to feed within few more days

Mr.Deshpande: Loooooooooooong Pause and a thoughtful look. ( one more mouth to feed eh! Coming into my house ain’t as cheap as cuming inside your wife, you bastard. Haven’t you heard of a little something called family planning)

Mr.Shastry: Ahem. I can afford the house if you reduce the rent to 4000. You know how much a priest earns these days

Mr.Deshpande: Looooooooooooooonger pause and thinking intensely. ( 4000 bucks!! Sure why not. And while I reduce the rent by 20%, do I also come by your house every night and give you a blow job so you don’t do your wife every night and add mouths to be fed. What do you see in her anyways that you go at it every night. She looks like a pauper. No assets. How does she feed the kids anyways? And don’t you throw the priest in my face. I am quite sure that you are the one who stole the gold necklaces from the temple last year. I hope you have another daughter. )

Mr.Shastry: Sir you haven’t said anything.

Mr.Deshpande: Yeah Mr.Shastry. I am sorry. I was doing some mental calculations. You see I am a vedic math teacher. So I have to show off my calculation skills. Anyways, there have been a few people who are ready to pay up to 7000 for this house. But since you are a Brahmin, I will give it to you for 4500.

Both agree and the deal is closed. Each brahmin thinks that he has outwitted the other. They depart.

Mr.Shastry to his wife: You see, srimati, it is because of morons like him that the caste of brahmins is going to the dogs. Anyone would gladly pay 4500 for that house!! You know in this locality, even a single room costs 6000 bucks so a house that big will cost atleast 9000 bucks. He is a disgrace to the brahmin caste. The house is close to the temple, so it will be easy to get all the rice and gold from the temple. Plus the house is not well lit and there is no electricity. It is like eternal night. We can fornicate like pigs.

Mr.Deshpande to himself: This is exactly the reason why the caste of brahmins is going to the dogs. Who would pay 4500 for this dungeon? This is probably the smallest house in the locality and would not cost more than 3000 bucks. He is a disgrace to the brahmin caste. The house being so close to the temple, people can keep a close watch on that thief. Plus the house is not well lit. Even if he burn lamps he will have difficulty finding the right hole. At least that way he will stop fornicating every night!!

And the brahmins say that Hindus are not united!!!!

Another lonely night

The days fly by
like the winds of westerly
I get not, a moment to think about tomorrow
Nights are all I have
But they are too lonely to share my sorrow
All I wish is a companion to stand by me;
To help me fight
But again, all I have is another lonely night

I look into the depths of the mind
Searching for a smile
All I find is a tormented child
Inside me, I have died
Failure has made me furious and wild
I look to the horizon
Waiting for the light
But again, all I have is another lonely night

To live or to die
To laugh or to cry
I ask myself these
And to find the answers, I try
I wait for a hand to guide me along
To take me in the direction right
For I am a wandering kite
But again, all I have is another lonely night

Hire the damned girl!!!

Parental guidance advised

Having resigned from my current job, I get a lot of free time which I have been gleefully misusing. I used up most part of the past weeks office hours in solving crossword puzzles and reading humorous articles. After a little reading I started getting an impression that cheap jokes were becoming quite trendy. The cheaper the joke, the harder the laughter. I remembered that a few years back this was not the case. The metaphorical cheap was frowned upon, while the literal cheap or the monetary cheap was considered wise. But somehow the poles have reversed today: Cheap jokes, cheap talks, cheap cheaps have become status symbols. They have somehow silently begun to represent modernization. While cheap clothes, cheap chappals are becoming synonymous with tasteless. To such an extent has this craze gone that a person will wear the same “torn at the crotch” underwear for one whole year from some local Sangeetha or Mayura brand, but he will not wear a local brand jeans for even a single day. Even if it means that he has to buy jeans that look like they have been White washed on the thighs and then been worn around for like a decade before bringing it into market, he/she will buy it, mostly because it is expensive and has Levis Writ large upon the ass. By the way, who the hell says white washed jeans are in vogue….

Anyways, let’s get back to the topic. So while solving one of the cross words last week I came across a clue which read “An extensive mental view”. It was a 5 letter word and was “V _ _ _ A”. I did not get the answer to that one, but yeah I got an “Extensive mental view” of something which fitted right into boxes.

“Vulva!!”, i said to my friend who was solving it along with me.

“What??”.

“Yeah, I am getting an extensive mental view of it and it fits right in !!”

After laughing and discussing over it (The clue I mean ) for a while we finally got the answer. I remembered that something similar had happened a couple of days back with a few other clues. My mind was basically taking those curves where I cried myself to sleep every night. I started wondering if things would have been different had there been a few hot chicks at my workplace. Surely it would have a positive impact on my performance. I would spend more time in office, work harder, probably think smarter (i doubt this one though). Plus it would help the management in making us feel that they actually do want to keep us happy.
I remembered that I actually had interviewed a couple of cuties, but had rejected them on technical grounds, despite protests from the other guys. Now was the time for me to curse myself for that foolishness. Here I was, growing older by the day and with so many wild oats to sow. Somehow, rejecting those two gals based on their technical acumen looked like a stupid decision. I mean lets face it, every person has his own set of skills and talents and for those two girls their set of skills started right below their neck; they were of pure heart. I should have hired those damned girls.

I have often told people that I have had a poor sampling of women. Most of the ones that I have met have had brains which are impervious to sensible talk, rational thinking, technology, direction sense, science etc etc etc etc etc and I am quite sure that if I say that I have a good sampling, it would amount to stereotyping. So I happily tell people that I have had poor sampling and I reside on the darker end of the spectrum and all such jazz so that they are under the impression that they are smart and I am under the impression that I am witty.
But i have, on many occasions, observed that when I am talking technology, they somehow picture the pizza base or the chapatti batter. Exchange of knowledge is sometimes explained in terms of osmosis. Knowledge flows from regions of higher concentration to regions of lower concentration, with no change in structure or form. But with the women that I have sampled, the forms gets mutilated. Knowledge gets molested. I mean how does .net translate to chapatti, or java translate to bhujia save. Its alright as long as we have edible items on the translation table. Sometimes I have seen surface computing translate to some embroidered design on a veil. Not having a penchant for science and technology is one thing, but assuming that a microwave and washing machine are interchangeable is stupidity of a totally different level. It is quite difficult to work with some one who thinks that your LCS algorithm has been designed to check the number of broken links on her extra long chain with beads which look like nose pickings from a bull . When this train of thought runs through my mind I start seeing sense in rejecting those two girls.

But then again, the train gets derailed. And I look at their extra-cerebral skills, and pity myself. I could use those skills. Technology cannot live in isolation. And I am almost always left thinking that I should have hired the damned girls.

Ufff yeh candidates!!

A couple of years back when I was still a fresher and quite young (not that I am old now, but age has a sinister way of catching up), I had the privilege (that is what we considered it then) of conducting an interview along with my manager. The candidate was a smart looking fella, with a neatly tucked in shirt and a 5 page resume and mine looked like a “Job needed” flyer back then, so you can imagine how inferior I felt. After the usual pleasantries my manager pushed the fork right into the meat of the interview and shot question after question. The candidate knocked every question down with a not so fluent but technically impeccable answer. Just when I thought that the candidate would land up the job, the following passed

Manager : What do you think is the role of the blah blah blah in the blah blah blah?
Candidate : blah blah blah blah………..

Clearly the candidate had no clue about what was being asked and my manager thought it was apt to reiterate the question. As my manager interrupted him, the candidate gave a “What the f*** dude. Did your mother never teach you manners?” look. Realizing that it was an inappropriate thing to do and with a slightly scratched ego, my manager said, “I am sorry. You go on”.

Believe it or not, the candidate stacked the resume along with a few other documents, put it in his something that looked like a vanity bag, got up and walked towards the door. Astonished, my manager asked him what he was doing. Pat came the answer, “Sir you asked me to go on!!”

Since then, I have grown into the role of a lead, and one of my responsibilities include interviewing people ranging from 2 to 12 years of experience. Initially, I was quite reluctant to interview people with more than 7 years of experience as I myself have a meager 3.5 years under my belt. But as time passed I realized it was not such a tough thing after all. It is boring but not tough.
Last month my company was trying to hire a technical project manager and the first round of screening had to be done by me. One of the candidates who came in, a really stupid looking, untidy person will be my favorite candidate. He had this “What the hell is happening? Where on earth am I?” look. But I thought to myself for my own misfortune, “Lets not go by looks. People say it can deceive you”. Deceive me, my ass. he was every bit as dumb as I had assumed him to be and perhaps more. He was working as an R & D engineer for some XYZ firm. He got out of college and became a project manager. And by college I do not mean a B school mind you. I asked him a few questions and told him that the company did not have a suitable position for him currently. He looked at me and he was probably thinking “You do not recognize genius do you?”. “you know what you should do,”, he said, “you should hire me. I am ready to negotiate the salary. I can add a lot of value to your company.”. Words failed me. I had just told him that he sucks, in a polite way. And he was telling me what I should do and what I should not. Just to maintain professional decorum and to humor him I asked him what would he do if hired. This is a phonetic gist of the things he said he would do

“Firstly, I will change everything. This looks like new Aaffice. but whaat I will do I will tell you. I am a good manager. I will manage aall people and tell them to work. I know all process. I will use my talent that have learnt in my other company in your company. I am good at delivery aalso. So your praduct will be delivered Aan time.”

Another candidate came in at around 6.30 in the evening. He was a full one hour late and I was packing up. But since it was a scheduled interview running behind schedule, I had to oblige. He was bad with words but had a very loud body language. the first couple of questions he just smiled and shook his head indicating that he did not know the answer. Then he started giggling for all the questions that he did not answer. Feeling a little stupid myself, I asked him if there was something funny. He shook his head again but continued to giggle. Deciding to wipe the grin off his face, i put a straight face and asked him to make me party to the joke. Still laughing, the chap said “It is silly”. Silly? What the hell is silly here?. “The questions are silly”, he said. Tugging on my temper I asked him why he felt so. And this was reply from a guy who could not write a Fibonacci series program even after the series was given and explained to him.
“I have an offer with infosys and wipro. I have a MCTS certification. So I am a technology expert. the questions that you are asking are irrelevant to me. What will I do knowing the things that you are asking? Nobody asks Fibonacci series program. I did it in college and I have forgotten it now”

This is just a peek into the kind of candidates that are at large in the city of Bangalore. I will try to come back with some more morons and their adventures in the posts to follow.

Cruella!!!

As the night glowed
In the fires of the magic spell
Witches and wizards
Sounded the gongs of hell

Awakening the passion
of a sleeping beast
with flowing wine
and a sumptuous feast

“Little do you know
the cost of your merriment”,
Said the moon,
the smiling crescent

The wind came howling
to put out the fire
But it was too late
and the flames crept higher

There she stood
wearing the gown of flames
She was Cruella
known by a thousand names.

She stood in all splendor
to make all wishes fulfill
To look at her
would send shivers down their spine, a cold chill

The witches and wizards
danced around
with their toes
shaking the ground

The flames engulfed the world
in her heathen desire
The earth became for humanity
its funeral pyre

Soon all that was left
were the wizards and witched
Nothing to live for
No pleasures, no riches

“Damned be you”,
said they all out loud
But she looked at them
wearing cloaks that soon would be shroud

“Now that all is gone
Its your turn”,
said she
that they would all burn

“I am Cruella,
I know no sleep.
I am fire
from shoal to deep.”

My death shall be your liberation

Thine eyes so divine,
Never could I find the abyss,
Crying out in pain,
Begging life to cease.
For every pain I have given
I shall be denied salvation
So oft do I feel,
my death shall be your liberation.

How often I have sinned
never feeling your sorrow,
Best I could do
was assure you a better morrow.
Hurting you no pleasure can I derive,
Hurting you how can i survive.
To me you are sweet,
best of gods creation.
How oft do I feel
my death shall be your liberation.

Together we have played
Together we have cried
Undivided have we stood
As one we have tried.
My heart fails me
and so does my mind
To leave you my precious
ever so kind.
Is it not treacherous that a fair one like you must live with me
Kings and lords of castles deserves thee.
often I see in my mind in meditation
And today I know,
My death will be your liberation.

The vedic atheist

GOD. Now, here is a word that every man, irrespective of his culture and faith, uses a few times a day. Most often it comes out of habit and even though The Bible conveniently calls the usage of the word in ordinary circumstances blasphemous, an average christian probably uses the word more than anybody else. But how often do we stop to think about the essence of that word?
For an agnostic bordering on atheism, like me, the word stands uselessly like a peaking mound of loose soil; neither does it provide shelter nor does it give me the joy of trekking to the top. Having a Vaishnavite upbringing (I would have said Hindu, but that is for another story), I still do perform all the rituals associated with “communion with god” and other bigger and heavier phrases as the one before. But why do I, who does not believe in the existence of GOD, perform these rituals associated with big, fancy words and phrases like Moksha, nirvana, liberation? Am I just a hypocrite who wants to stand out as the odd man?
God had been imbibed into me. God had become a part of every constitutional of mine. God was used to make me understand good and bad. God was used to make me eat Tulsi leaves. God was what made me the man I am today. The god that did not exist. When I first started thinking consciously and critically about god, I was quite certain that there must be a superior being who created all that was around, sustained it, and then eventually destroyed it. As I continued to think, I started seeing weakness in my own arguments in favor of GOD. The more I thought, the weaker god became to the extent that GOD became just a word to throw into a sentence to make it sound all the more expensive.
There was a time in the history of man kind when science had very little to do with the world. But man always wanted answers. In the absence of science, the only other entity that could explain what happened and why it did happen was GOD. The Omniscient, the omnipotent god. So god became the creator, and the destroyer. Such a god must have been a capitalist who could, with a snap of his fingers, create the universe and with a fart, destroy the world. Soon science was shaping up. But it was a niche art and not many would understand the explanation that science provided. God came to the rescue again. Scientific approaches and practices were wrapped with a foil of ritual and the outcome was attributed to the benevolence of God. The men of science who used god as a prop were smart enough to make sure that none would ask them that one question the answer to which would crumble the very foundations of the scientific – pseudo religious society that they had built; “Who created god?”. It was blasphemous. In parallel with science, other philosophical fields started cropping up. Society started expanding. For society to sustain, cordiality became necessary. Until then, men were hunters, having their own territories. Anybody violating the boundaries would probably be killed. Regulation of law became difficult. Once again GOD rushed to the rescue. The same bullet was being fired again and again and it was amazing how the bullet never lost the firepower. The fancy god could not only create and destroy the universe, but now he could also micro manage. He would keep a record of every mans action. Anybody who would not abide by the laws of the society would be a sinner. And sins undoubtedly would be punished. But then again there are always people who have their cake and eat it too. So some sinners would lead a joyous life. So god became responsible for reincarnating every soul. The punishments for ill deeds crossed the boundaries of the present life into the realms of future births.
It is quite amazing as to how one single concept was conjured up and every person would dance to its tune then onwards for the rest of the life time of mankind. God, the word “GOD”, had a place reserved at the pinnacle of every thought, at the heart of every action, at the bottom of every science. But this god never existed. And this god to this day does not exist.
It was my intention to explain why I practice the rituals that are associated with God, but that I will reserve for another time. Until then, think about this. “If god can answer the question of your creation, can he answer the question of his creation? If he cannot, then how is he omniscient?”

If god is a capitalist then let us severe all ties with him for he is selfish. If he a communist then he is the greatest hypocrite for he does not believe in the religion which is his royal seat. If he is a socialist let us call upon him to toil with us.
Aptly said, isn’t it?